Three alpaca myths exploded

 For those of a camelid persuasion, Leon the Huguenot provides some timely advice.

Of course, we present our alpacas in the best light and, undoubtedly, they are paragons of animals (I was going to say bestial paragons but that does not sound as good; note that Shakespeare described humans as paragons of animals – I don’t think he was referring to alpacas).  However, there are some things one hears stated about them which are manifestly untrue.

The one poo-pile myth

I am unsure where this myth arose.  Certainly alpacas are much less promiscuous in the distribution of their excrement than many other animals.  But the idea that they use one poo pile is false on first principles.  Can you imagine an alpaca leader saying to a herd, “Gloria needs to urinate so we have to go back to Lima.”?

If the one pile myth were true why, in a recent whippersnipping exercise in a 25 hectare alpaca paddock, did I find about 30 alpaca piles surrounded, of course, by luxuriant foliage?  I was asked by my wife to clear away the foliage just in case a snake might lurk in there and strike an alpaca when it is most vulnerable.

Did I approach this job saying to myself, “I just have to find the single poo pile and the job is over”?  No. I knew there would be many.  I know that, once the grass grows heavily around a pile, the alpacas tend to shun it.

I have determined a poo pile equation which gives the number of piles per hectare.  It is given by:

Number of piles = π³*na*Hubble constant where na is the number of alpacas. 

I think it needs a bit more work.

In conclusion, it is normal for your alpacas to create several poo piles.  But by all means go on telling newcomers that they use only one pile if you can do so with a straight face.

Alpacas like Mozart

Give alpacas a break.  They no more like having Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, or, equally over-exposed, Vivaldi’s I Quattri Stagioni piped through their shed than we do.  We know this music, after the three thousandth hearing, is only suited to the cheaper, tawdrier, gift shops, perfumeries and pretentious boozeries. 

We know there is no basis for the claim that babies exposed to Mozart thrive in any way (it is one of those things we wish were so, like the myth of the arty right brain); the same applies to alpacas. Particularly avoid the operas with convoluted plots such as Il Seraglio or Die Zauberflote.  Avoid Mozart altogether if you can but, if you cannot resist it, some of the later piano sonatas or concerti are acceptable.

Spare them also the five hundredth performance of Glenn Gould playing the Goldberg-Variationen and do not follow Gould’s rather narrow and elitist taste in music.  Also avoid the sort of non-ergonomic chair that Gould sat in; that is for you, not the alpacas.

Unlike the late Gould, alpacas love the music of Robert Schumann; Kreisleriana is a particular favourite - and the later operas of Richard Strauss.  Don’t patronise them with a performance of Dvorak’s New World Symphony; even Beethoven’s ninth symphony gets a bit too much after the twentieth hearing.  While it has been shown that alpacas never tire of Schubert – particularly “The Great” symphony – I would not push that too much either (though the effect of the oboe and clarinet entry in bar 134 of the first movement never fails to send a suri into raptures).  The late Schubert piano sonatas are perfect for a very pregnant alpaca.

They do not like rap music which others have noted has a silent ‘c’.  Play rock music to them with care, keeping away from their hind legs.

Alpacas do not like chocolate

There is some truth to this myth, but that should not stop you buying it for them.  Just don’t give it to them.  You should only buy the soft-centred dark chocolates made by a certain Adelaide company (which shall remain nameless or, alternatively, Haighs Chocolates) for your precious alpacas.  Having purchased these in large quantities and quickly realising the alpacas do not eat them, send them (the chocolates) over to me and I shall arrange immediate and appropriate disposal.  There is no limit to my appetite for Haigh's Chocolates.

I trust these new insights into alpaca behaviour will enable you to handle your herd with greater confidence.