Congratulations, from the desk of…

Leon the Huguenot "shares" his joy with you about all the congratulatory messages and money offers he has been receiving – even from desks.

It is a wonder we are not happier than we are or appear to be.  If you walk around the average City area, you will observe that very few people are smiling.  Yet we have far more positive reinforcement than ever in the history of our species.

In the past you would be congratulated for writing a difficult work, passing an exam, getting married, winning a large amount of money (the congratulations in that case had a certain edge to them), or having a child.  Now we all receive congratulations right, left and centre.

For example, if you purchase a vacuum cleaner you find on opening the box, extensive congratulatory messages.  These comment on your wisdom and insight in choosing the particular product; they present a rosy picture of a future in which you and your vacuum cleaner go forward in confidence ready to deal with any dust or dirt crisis you may encounter. 

The same sort of message comes irrespective of the intrinsic quality of the product.  You receive the same encouraging message whether you have bought the paragon of vacuum cleaners or the vacuum cleaner equivalent of the Yunshu airliner. I am even congratulated for having the right version of Java on my computer, and it gives me such a warm feeling.

It is hard to resist feeling a twinge of pride when receiving these messages.  If the cleaner also happens to have been approved by a consumer organisation, you feel a veritable flush of self-confirmation, particularly if you had no inkling that the cleaner had been so endorsed.

I should just break off for a moment since, in the Internet research for this article, I have just received further congratulations.  It feels good.  Now, what is it all about? 

Congratulations!  You have been selected for a FREE membership which can secure your financial future! Earn $107.00 Daily, Part-time... Even While You Sleep! Put this NEW fully automated money-making system to work for you and soon you'll be making an extra income even while you sleep! Nothing works as easily as this does and the best part, it's FREE to try.  You won't work hard to see results, the system does all the work for you. Imagine having an extra income to spend any way you want! It won't cost you anything to try, so sign up now even if you are just curious.

I wonder what sort of selection process this resulted from.  Perhaps just that I was on the Internet.  The advantage of these messages is that while you would be crazy to fill their form in, you have been congratulated, and it feels good.

Then there are the E-mails from important people from around the world that we keep receiving -- mainly, in fact, from Africa.  When I say “we”, I know I am among the selected few who receives them; you may not be.

These famous, moneyed people have taken time from their busy schedule to let you share in their success. I have to admit I have never heard of any of them, but that could be because I'm outside the normal financial and political spheres. Of course, you will have heard of them.  They include the likes of Dr Rampam George Kedu, Auditing and Accounting Unit, Foreign Operations Department, Union Bank of Nigeria plc.  Yes, he has sent me an e-mail in the last few days.  I don’t like to name-drop, but I have had similar messages from:

-   Dr Dayo Joseph (First Bank Plc. LagosNigeria ).

-   Christopher Anaba, Petroleum (Special) Trust Fund, Contract Award Committee, National Secretariat, Victoria-Island, Lagos-Nigeria.

-   Mrs. Sese-Seko widow of late President Mobutu Sese-Seko of Zaire (now known as Democratic Republic of Congo).

It’s so exciting.  But, to be frank, in the case of Christopher Anaba it was not him writing to me, just his desk.  Yes, some of these people actually have their desks doing the correspondence but it is still impressive.  “From the Desk of Christopher Anaba”.  That’s classy and confirms without question that artificial intelligence has been developed in desks. Since it is a desk, one does not expect or get the standards of grammar and spelling that you might expect from the individual himself or herself. 

I cannot say much about what they send me since the matters are confidential. I can say these people have singled me out to deposit large sums of their money in my bank account – and I get a cut!  Such incredible trust in me; in somebody they have never met.  They could make their requests even more powerful by commencing with “Congratulations!”  They don’t seem to have cottoned on to that yet.

Of course, I never respond.  I wouldn’t give my account number or any other personal details to the British Queen, the Glid of Glood, or even our beloved Prime Minister.  So I never take advantage of their largesse, but get the full benefit of their faith and discernment in choosing me. 

Also, I have been winning a few competitions lately.  Strangely, they are all connected with free photographic sittings.  I fill in these forms offering such a desirable prize at supermarkets. Invariably, I receive a telephone call telling me that I have won.  I think my record so far is 100% success.  Strangely, this winning streak is not transferable to more useful things like Lotto, or the Boystown Art Union. 

I feel so fortunate at getting all these prizes that now my response to them, because I have been so very fortunate, is that they should offer my prize to someone else. Thus, I get the double reinforcement of my winning and my selfless generosity.  I have never actually used the prize – the photographic sitting.  It is enough for me merely to have won. 

Look, I am bursting with excitement.  While sitting here writing this I have just had a stunning e-mail from Barrister Oghene Charles (the Chairman, Contract Awarding Committee of the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) with Headquarters in Lome, Togo).  People like me get these offers; just lucky I suppose.  Again I cannot go into the details since the matter is very confidential and relates to matters of state.  I can say that Barrister Charles, or perhaps he would let me refer to him as Oghene since we are so close, is sharp and to the point.  He has money to offer me and lots of it.  All he wants from me to complete the deal is:

-   My company’s name with complete address, telephone and fax numbers.(if available)

-   The name of my bank, its address with telephone, fax and telex numbers.

-   My account number

-   The complete mailing address of the beneficiary (I presume this is me) with telephone and fax numbers.

How reasonable.  I’ll get to it straight away. Uh oh, my memory is acting up again.  Now I know how the late Alan Bond must have felt in the witness box. 

Sorry, Oghene.  No can do.  I cannot recall any of these details you require, and I do not know where I could locate them.  Perhaps if you provide me with all those details about your circumstances that might jog my memory a little but cannot promise anything. 

I’ve just been congratulated once again by my computer.  Not sure what for but who cares? The effect is the same; a powerful reinforcement; that warm glow of self-satisfaction. 

Nowadays we don’t have to wait for major life events to feel important or be congratulated.  It can happen every day.  You can be heartily congratulated for buying a new type of hamburger; a new flavour of pet food, an adventurous new wash powder.  Ours must be the most fulfilled culture on the planet. 

So, to paraphrase Moby, why do our hearts feel so bad?