Apostrophitis - a 20th century disease

For Captains Flat, the very name of which has, lamentably, lost its apostrophe, there is an urgent need to eliminate apostrophitis - the misuse of apostrophes - a rampant and endemic condition in the last half of the twentieth century.

If you can drink a schooner of Toohey’s you can use apostrophes properly.

As a product of our school system it is not likely that you know how to use apostrophes properly.  If you do it is most likely due to your own intelligence overcoming the inadequacies of what passes, these days, for English teaching (apologies to any English teachers but you know what I mean). 

Apostrophes are really useful things but much abused.  Sometimes incorrect use can make what you write almost ridiculous.  For example, outside the parking for a large flat development:

Tenant’s parking only

The clear implication of that is that there is only one tenant in the whole place!  Is that what the owner would wish passers-by to believe?  Getting a flat in that development must be pretty easy.

Some try to avoid the issue by writing:

Tenants parking only

But you know these people are just unavoidably publicising the fact they do not know how to use apostrophes.

I hope to make you a master of the apostrophe.  There will eventually be rewards for your mastery later in the year (to be announced).

Let me give three rules:

(1)  Never use an apostrophe to make a word plural!

  

This is probably the most common error.  You will see, in shops, orange’s for sale.  In front of the Narooma Bowling and Recreation Club they have a sign saying:

Visitor’s welcome

Have a look at it next time you are down there.  The correct version is, of course:

Visitors welcome

The use of an apostrophe in forming plurals of words is WRONG in 99.9% of cases.  Yes, 99.9% - so your chances of being right are slim if you are one of these Plural Apostrophisers (PAs).

(2)  It’s can only mean it is.

Another common error.  The apostrophe in it’s does not indicate ownership.  You cannot say, for example, “It’s face was red” since that can only be read as “It is face was red” which is meaningless.

The ownership form is its.  So the correct version of the example above is “Its face was red”. Its is an exception to the normal rule.  I can only suspect that it was felt more important to have it’s as the shortened form of it is rather than as the ‘ownership’ form.

I did not make the rules.  Don’t shoot the messenger.

 (3)  With ownership the apostrophe goes before the s if the word is single; after the s if it is plural.

If you have one dog and you want to talk about his, her or its teeth you can say:

The dog’s teeth

If you have more than one dog and teeth are again on your mind (an uncomfortable situation):

The dogs’ teeth

If you know these three rules and use them properly you will avoid 95% of all apostrophe errors and people in the know, such as your potential employer, will look more favourably on the over-inflated, largely fictional, job application you have written.

If your potential employer sees a sentence like:  “I have several certificate’s in verbal communication.  My interest in this had it’s beginning in....” you will probably be discarded from the pile of applicants without being interviewed.

I shall just repeat the three rules again:

(1)  Never never never use an apostrophe to make a word plural!

(2)  It’s can only mean it is.

(3)  The apostrophe goes before the s if the word is single; after the s if it is plural.

Unfortunately there is another rule:

(4)  An apostrophe is also used to show that something has been left out in a word.

 Examples:

            Auto’s - short for automobiles (some might think this one a little doubtful)

            Can’t - short for cannot

            It’s - short for it is

            Cauli’s - short for cauliflowers (some might also think this one a little doubtful)

An older example was ‘plane for aeroplane.  Here the apostrophe showed that the aero had been left off.  But we have got so used to just saying plane now that nobody uses the apostrophe.

So, from the above, we can see that the apostrophe serves two purposes:

(a)  To show possession e.g. Joyce’s hat; the dog’s nose, etc.  BUT NOT IT’S

(b)  To show something has been left out of a word e.g. can’t, isn’t, etc.

I shall just take one ‘never’ off rule (1):

(1)  Never never use an apostrophe to make a word plural!

This is because there is one instance where apostrophes can be used in forming plurals ­- to prevent confusion.  You might have known that there would be exceptions to all these things.  There always are.  A good example of this is:

Dot your i’s and cross your t’s.

But you don’t need apostrophes where there is no chance of confusion e.g.  MPs, TVs, the 1920s etc.

If you’re capable of turning off Australia’s Funniest Home Videos, you can use apostrophes correctly.

So, in this short introduction, I believe I have reinforced the correct use of apostrophes.  There is nothing mysterious about them and their correct use is as simple as flicking the off switch at the start of Australia’s Funniest Home Videos.

There is one final rule:

(5)  People who write about correct English usage almost always make mistakes themselves and people criticise them vigorously.

I do not pretend to have written something perfect and I welcome any criticisms.  These can be sent to Flat Chat or to my e-mail address - leleul@dynamite.com.au.

There will be further articles going beyond the apostrophe and, in addition, there will be an inaugural competition.  Keep watching this space!

If you see any examples of apostrophe misuse - especially in prominent signage - please let me know about them. 

PASO THORPE

Your affable apostrophiser

Foundation member and chairperson (?chairman, chairthing) of P.O.A.M.

If you can walk and chew gum at the same time, you can use apostrophes correctly.